| Real love can't be bought. It is wild and it can't be caught. |
[May. 21st, 2005|09:32 am] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | New Order - Guilt Is A Useless Emotion | ] |
I'm fairly certain this journal has run its course, that I've done what I wanted to do with it. Most of it is just the ramblings of a depressive personality, something I'm not happy with.
Due to that, this journal will be closing relatively soon. I will keep my account, as I would like to post on all of your idiot journals and leaving dumb comments.
I've opened a blog on blogger.com, somewhere cooler. Livejournal seems like it's for 14 year old girls who have a crush on their 25 year old English teacher who's married.
So then, bookmark it if you care, ignore it if you don't. It's been real. |
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| Here is a warning: The sky will divide. |
[May. 11th, 2005|12:49 am] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | The Stone Roses - Begging You | ] |
I am listening to The Stone Roses, the best pop act ever conceived since The Cure, and there is a thunderstorm outside.
The only way my life can get better right now is by thinking of you. So I think I will.
This is a mystery not to be solved, but be like minded.
I'm gone. |
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| I'm hiding in the trees with a picnic, she's over there. Yeah. |
[May. 10th, 2005|12:08 pm] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | The Stone Roses - Love Spreads | ] |
See: You were never really real to begin with.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Luckily, it was only about 5 days ago.
I walked in. You were at the biggest table in the place with about 6 of your friends, each one of them too cool for school. I could hear snippets of conversation, and I gathered that you were discussing someone's design project, or finals, but i couldn't be sure. I kept to myself, ordered a beer, and took to my boring task of correcting exams.
Then lightning struck.
You got up to get a drink, or use the restroom, I wasn't really paying enough attention. I was only looking at you out of the corner of my eye. When I finally did decide to look up to catch a glimpse of you, you were staring right at me. Something stopped me from quickly turning my glance back to my papers. I think it was the look in your eye.
Then you waved to me. You said hello.
It would be an exaggeration to say my heart exploded, but not by much. That didn't happen until about 3 seconds later, when you invited yourself over.
So we discussed things that people discuss when they talk for the first time. Things that "don't matter" like music, movies. (Let's face it, we both know that these are the only things that matter, at least in the beginning.) I got another piece of your handwriting, as you were trying to explain "Morning Becomes Eclectic" to me. I was so stunned I could barely utter a coherent thought, but you definitely didn't seem annoyed.
After asking my opinion of another band that you gave me to listen to about 2 weeks prior, you decided to rejoin your friends at the cool table, leaving me alone to finish my work.
Are you giving me things to talk to you about? Are you trying to make sure I have something to say to you? Are you trying to send me a signal, that you're looking for the same type of person I'm looking for?
Are you just being nice?
It doesn't matter. If I can be a part of the subcircle that you are, I'd --
Well, I don't know what I'd do with that membership.
Want to find out with me? |
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| I'm trying not to choke and swallow it all. Every last one. |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|11:06 pm] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | Nine Inch Nails - The Collector | ] |
I can't even believe you.
Two weeks in a row now it's been, every morning at 9:52 sharp, there you are. You come outside and light up a Marlboro menthol ultra light. I have half a mind to ask you for a light myself, but it would be too obvious for someone like you. A person with lungs as black as mine always has about 3 lighters on hand.
For two weeks now, we've stood about 10 feet apart. We haven't said a word to each other. I spend about 2 minutes looking at you out of the corner of my eye, then you spend the next two looking out of the corner of yours at me.
It's been two weeks now, and I've only finally drummed up the courage to look you straight in the eye. It was one of those quickly look, quickly look away type of things, but it accomplished what I wanted it to accomplish. I got to see your face.
It's been two weeks, and I'm not even sure I can quite describe it. I know what your hair looks like. I practically stare at you any time your back is facing me, because I want to try to assess what look you might have on your face by looking at the back of your head. It's not an exact science, I know. Give me a break for once.
In two weeks, you have been there every day. It has pretty much been my reason for getting to my office an hour early.
You didn't show up today.
Was it something I did[n't do]? Was it something I [should have] said? What could I have done that would have made you miss our daily meeting? The one time that we look forward to? I know I haven't been completely honest with you here, but why must our relationship come to this?
Time to take a deep breath. For the first time in two weeks, slow down. Slow down. |
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| You were never really real to begin with. I just made you up to hurt myself. |
[Apr. 18th, 2005|11:24 pm] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | Nine Inch Nails - Only | ] |
It hit me like a ton of bricks the first time, but I shrugged it off.
Your hair color changes as often as the temperature in early spring. You're nice when you need to be, but I bet you're sly, sarcastic, and abrasive to people you really care about.
You probably don't think that you can fall in love with someone you barely know. I think you can. I think it's better. Sometimes, the relationship we have in my head is so much better than anything could be in real life.
On sundays, we lie in bed for about an hour doing the NY Times crossword. After we finish, you insist we get up and drive an hour to the art museum to see the new exhibit. After walking around a museum for 2 hours looking at the recently exhumed artifacts from a tomb in Egypt, we go another hour back home, and experiment cooking some new dish that involves things like eggplant and zucchini. It turns out to be horrible, but we had a great time making it. We fall asleep on the couch drinking red wine and watching Rob Gordon screw up relationship after relationship, only to find the person he cares about in the end. When we wake up during the credits, it's only for about 10 minutes so we can crawl into bed together. Your breath is a whisper in my ear as I fall asleep with a smile on my face, and we both wake up early to go our separate ways for the week, knowing that we'll get back together on Thursday night for drinks in a secluded corner of an out of the way bar that won't card you.
I don't know what it will take for you to notice me.
I'll trade this perfect romance in my head for a real friend in a real life who cares about real things. |
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| Underneath, we're not so tough. |
[Apr. 17th, 2005|11:50 am] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | Nine Inch Nails - Love Is Not Enough | ] |
It was your shoulder length hair that caught my eye.
That, and the way you didn't care. You didn't care.
You were throwing your head back and grasping your hair by the handfuls as you spastically owned the dance floor. It takes someone like you in the sea of faceless clones to make me pay attention.
Your tongue would squeeze its way between your teeth when you laughed.
The way you stared at me via your peripheral vision consumed me. We were the only two people in the room at that point.
Whisper something to your friends. Walk away.
I'll go back to being a wallflower. |
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| We'll go out every night, I'll be there by your side, and we'll all get high on the old west side. |
[Apr. 13th, 2005|09:28 pm] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | New Order - I Told You So | ] |
When I drove into the parking lot today, you were standing next to a beat up Dodge Ram.
At first, I didn't believe my eyes. I thought I was staring at some new piece of modern artwork, where juxtaposition is king, because it's not often that you see Venus standing next to a muddy 4x4.
You looked distraught, so I pulled up next to you, and got out, carton of Camel lights in hand. I just had to inquire.
Do you know anything about cars? Mine won't start today for some reason. It was fine earlier this morning, but now I have to go to work, and I'm late as it is...
I popped the hood and pretended like I knew what I was doing. I checked the oil, which was fine. I tried to start it, and all signs led to a dead battery, but I was paying more attention to you, and I'm sorry. The skin on your face did not consist of a single pore; it was smoother than most marble statues standing in those expensive galleries in Paris. I wonder if you sit in front of the mirror before you go to sleep and admire how beautiful your skin is. It's so smooth I want to scream when I look at it. I can give you a ride if you need one, by the way.
No, I already have a friend coming to get me.
This was not a lie, because not two seconds later, someone pulled up. Now I know how Jim Morrison felt when he wrote "Hello, I love you."
I'm Jane. Thanks for your help.
Of course this guy was your boyfriend, that was obvious by the way you touched him when you got in his car. I imagine what you do on weekends. You probably sit around in your pajamas all day on Sunday discussing things like Rousseau's "Discourse on the Origin of Inequality" before finally taking a shower and heading out to the coffee shop to finish your project for your design class. You probably go to see independent films on Friday nights, before heading to the liquor store to pick up a bottle of red wine to enjoy while you listen to the new albums you both just bought. On Saturdays, I'm almost positive you sit in the shadows at Bohemme to discuss things like the political situation in Sierra Leone.
You don't know that this is what life would be like with me, because you're with him, and that's fine. What you don't know can't hurt you.
What I do, can. And does.
I leave a note on your car telling you what the problem is, and how to get it fixed. |
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| Do you want to change it? |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|09:12 pm] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | Nine Inch Nails - The Hand That Feeds | ] |
The first time I saw you was last week Tuesday.
I was outside smoking with a German and a Turk; we were discussing how to prove something involving the degree of the antipodal map between n-spheres, something that lost all my attention as soon you walked out of the building.
Through the window, you locked eyes with me and I couldn't look away. That's when you walked right up to me and asked
Do you have a cigarette?
I obliged. Your eyelids fluttered underneath your pink eyeshadow, and I felt like I was 10 miles above the surface of the Earth. You apologized profusely for interrupting the conversation, to which one of my friends assured you it was okay.
Do you have a lighter?
Of course. The way your lips danced around before you put the cigarette in your mouth drove me insane. Look me in the eyes again.
Your lighter hates me!
Turn and face away from the wind. Let me light it for you.
I'll see you around.
Getting struck by lightning in the middle of a cloudless day doesn't happen often. Your hair blew in the breeze as you walked away and I couldn't believe I just got that close to someone like you.
I'll be there next week if you are out of cigarettes. |
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| Whatever I do, I've got to find you. |
[Apr. 6th, 2005|08:40 pm] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | New Order - Who's Joe? | ] |
I just got back from eating dinner alone in a restaurant, and it was quite an experience. It made me want to change the format of this "blog."
Some of you will look at the new ramblings as the rantings of a creepy lunatic; some of you will see it as the obsessive compulsive rantings of a single man stuck in a city full of people afraid to talk to him; some will see it as a lame attempt at being "deep," or the "true goth kid" garbage finally finding its way out into the public. Others will see it for what it really is, a disguised optimism; wherever you have been today, and whoever you are, you have grabbed someone's attention for all the right reasons.
Good intentions pave the road to hell, is that how the saying goes?
Regardless, I'm sure everyone is sick of reading the perpetual rerun that is my state of mind, and how I continually say the same things, but never commit to doing them. Maybe this will be an exit, maybe not. At the very least, it's a door to another room. We don't know yet if it's better or worse, but the only way to find out is to go inside and spend a few hours there.
Someday, somewhere, things will change for me. Getting punched in the face wasn't something I was expecting, but once my black eye heals, you can expect me to show up at your front door all hugs-and-kisses, saying hello again for the first time in a long time. |
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| I'm not alone anymore |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|02:08 am] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | New Order - Crystal | ] |
There are certain nights, where you realize what matters to you.
I know what matters to me, and the people I wish I could b with, but can't. This was one of those nights. However, I also know that I'm 22 years old, and my whole life is aheaad of me. If the person I want to be with doesn't want to be with me, that's fine. Chances aare that I will find someone else soon enoough who appreciates me for who I am, where I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not.
I had that once, but I threw it away for selfish/stupid/idiotic/fill in the blank reasons.
We're like crystal, we break easy.
Remember that when you wish you were with me. |
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| I can't explain the way you feel. |
[Mar. 2nd, 2005|01:54 am] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | New Order - Dracula's Castle | ] |
My day wasn't as good as it could have been.
Part of it might be that I have to grow up and move on.
Part of it might be that I'm not willing to let go just yet, and that's not fair to anyone else.
Part of it might that my feelings are actually real, and that scares me more than anything else.
Tomorrow is another day.
Another day of feeling the same way I did tonight. |
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| Each of us denies every other way in the world. |
[Feb. 17th, 2005|02:06 am] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | The Cure - This is a Lie | ] |
If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought?
(post this in your LJ and find out what others' would be) |
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| Nothing can stop me now |
[Jan. 3rd, 2005|08:59 pm] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | Nine Inch Nails - Piggy | ] |
Nothing can stop me now.
Nothing can stop me now.
Notthing can stop me.
Nothing can stop me now.
Nothing can stop me now.
Nothing can stop me now.
Nothing can stop me.
Nothing can stop. |
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| The long ride home |
[Dec. 17th, 2004|08:15 am] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | Eminem - Spend Some Time | ] |
I'm about to leave for Milwaukee, and in case my car blows up on the way there, I wanted to leave everyone with this:
If my calculations are correct, then SLINKY + ESCALATOR = EVERLASTING FUN |
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| I've never felt this way about anyone or anything |
[Dec. 3rd, 2004|11:09 pm] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | Stabbing Westward - What Do I Have To Do? | ] |
I spent the night doing crossword puzzles in a bar with two attractive women tonight.
Possibly my best night out since my move to Ames. |
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| This is telling... |
[Dec. 2nd, 2004|01:55 am] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | Stabbing Westward - Waking Up Beside You | ] |
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| Waiting for the night to fall |
[Nov. 30th, 2004|01:31 am] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | Depeche Mode - Policy of Truth | ] |
( Stolen from my idiot brother )
That was lame.
Start of the new me. Starts today. Start, start, start.
All I can remember is a book by Chaim Potok, called "In The Beginning." The first words are "beginnings are always hard." They are. What a waste.
I just threw up until I started throwing up blood. This has to be the start of something good, right?
I'm joining either Gravity Well or the Marines in February. I'll Keep you posted. |
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| If I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone |
[Nov. 28th, 2004|06:09 am] |
It's six o'clock in the morning, and my head is ready to explode. I can't believe I made it home alive. I don't remember where I went or what I was drinking, but I know it's made me sick, and I'm not denying that I get this way when I try to get over you.
I tried so hard to hate you, but it only makes it all worse. I only end up hating myself. And as my hatred grows, so do the lies, it's hard to face the truth sometimes. God, I feel so useless. God, I hate myself when I try to get over you.
This is not about who you think it is. |
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| I hope you get to hell and Satan sticks a needle in your eye |
[Nov. 18th, 2004|12:47 am] |
| [ | Now Playing |
| | Eminem - Puke | ] |
The new Eminem cd isn't that bad, the new APC album is lame (7 out of the 9 songs I've heard before, and the remix of Judith is edited for content), and the new Kenny Wayne Shepherd and Rammstein are sort of worthwhile.
That's kind of the story of my life right now. I should be done with this in about 2 days, but we'll see how long those 2 days last.
These next few weeks will dictate whether or not I stay in this alternate universe that is Ames, Iowa. |
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